dealing with financially irresponsible family members dealing with financially irresponsible family members

We well reciprocate what our parents did for us with our own kids. And probable most of them use hard drugs while traveling abroad, spending immense amounts of money that a tuition fee wouldnt hurt for more than 5 years into their salary they have no right to claim anything! For me too. Zero savings, zero retirement but gets 1100 in SS a month. It's not limited to obviously frivolous purchases like excessive vacations and designer clothing, either. I refuse to care for him at any point in his life. You tell your mom exactly that. MIL used the money for cigarettes and her own entertainment. They only call when they want something or to hint that they do not have grocery money or money for their property taxes. I live across the country from them and theyre seethingly jealous of my lifestyle. They dont in my state but I understand the motivation is really for people that could easily afford to take care of their parents to take some pressure off the system. I am upset that they know they need to save, but instead go out to fancy dinners and buy expensive gadgets that they dont need but want. She likely grew up with parents that hurt her being in some manner. Heck, were already paying into social security a lot of money to support you that isnt going to be available for us when its our turn. Don't get dragged down with them or involved in risky business and legal trouble, even if they are family. Just recently, my father, with guidance from two of his children, sold his house to settle several debts. They have portrayed a lavish lifestyle while making bad decision upon bad financial decision. She pays over 20 percent interest on those credit cards. Ignore everything they do and say. But its been almost a year. They see no way out. And the answer is no. Financial Distress & the Family. This is such a heartbreaking issue. Be the better man. 2. No. My father died when I was 12 so I helped pay my way to age 18 from age 12 so I should be exempt from this law due to the fact that my income was half or better of the annual income that our household had. Here's his story: I read your site though I no longer need it. Tell your grandparents that theyd be hurting their grandkids if they do what theyre threatening to do. Ga is a filial responsibility state. inability to meet deadlines. Help them with household chores. They also did not divorce, sell the family home and take off to parts unknown. Sounds about right. ---CurrentAbout To Fall Behind30+ Days60+ Days90+ Days, Credit Card Debt: (required) She is only in her late 40s. SorryI left something out my parents would not WANT my help to be at an expense that would hurt my childrens college opportunities, or cause us to struggle. If it makes your family uncomfortable for them to move in, its not an option period end of discussion. Unfortunately I think this will cause them to fall into depression since it will be a major difference from their accustomed lifestyle and they are not strong people. It was a blessing in disguise, it paved the way for many hours of unresolved issues between us to talk about, understanding each other, have over tea and come out the best of friends. If you can have a healthy money discussion about your differences in spending and can come up with a good strategy that has some compromise in it for both of you, then thats a good sign for your long term relationship. 2. Sometimes our feelings and emotional attachments prevent us from honestly acknowledging the difference between a loved one facing a rare financial emergency and one who has become too comfortable with asking you to solve his or her latest money issue. My Mum is a school teacher but doesnt earn very much, ever since I was little they always borrowed 10 here, 20 there from Birthday/Christmas money but in adulthood it has been in the thousands to help with mortgage, the business, bills etc. the problem is and its not being addressed is the baby boomers expect and demanding social security but generation x and y are looking at and saying quite rightly where is mine coming from the baby boomers had the best economic times in history y and x any are being left to pay the bill for the party. Or they can see that their future is less important to you than rewarding your parents carelessness. Im trying to avoid getting into this situation by probing my parents about their finances now, when they are still several years from retirement. I so agree with you. I cried all day yesterday, cried myself 2 sleep, n woke up crying again! I have a lot of economic problems and I sometimes find myself on the verge of a nervous collapse, so I have taken a step back. Remove yourself from any joint bank accounts or credit cards and create separate ones. They give to each other although, yes, Im sure the couple gives more. They keep threatening to leave her on my doorstep. First, make them understand your situation and explain to them your own financial goals. And that lost money is money being stolen from their grandkids inheritance. Youre supposed to help those who are actually in need. Do you know what it feels like to feel like a burden to a parent to the point that you know, with out a doubt, that they wish they hadnt had you? No. Last summer, he showed up on my door step and stayed in my guest room for 8 months (minus a trip to Equador) and was very disrespectful of me personally the whole time he was here. I am at the end of my rope and she tells me I am the one who should feel like crap. Instead, do it far away from any such planning. We end up paying everything. But what happens if the son withdraws support and leaves him having to fend for himself. My husband says hell have no problem telling them no (yes, weve talked about this, and both see it as happening). I have to agree. I guess to some extent there is a sense of moral responsibility that works. of her debts. They bought the house they could not afford and the luxury cars to go with it. He has no savings, doesnt even own a house. I understand its taboo to discuss b/c they are your parents, but should it be when your future financial livelihood is at stake? So if people who live in glass house should not throw stone when they cannot even own up to their own short comings and blame people who had no say in any matter for the past 40 years. its the same story , of the Genx crowd. Wow, that sounds like my mom. My mother has managed to fritter her money away on vacations and gifts to her grandchildren in hopes of ingratiating herself to them. The boomers, collectively, have all the wealth and they will still bleed their children/grandchildren dry. Nothing to his wonderful mother who was as good and caring as they come. I still assist with very limited personal items she needs. It doesnt matter that I have an extra bedroom in my rented, 2-bedroom apartment. Were also saving for college. My grandmother bought him a mobile home (paid for) and all he had to do was pay utilities and the almost $300.00/per mo. Are they adults ? Help them seek a job if they want that help. Why should I? I am a 20-year old single girl working in Asia. Also I dont know how giving them money will solve the problem. They are welcome to live with me in a location of my choosing where I will provide the basics. In less than ten years, all of her money was gone. I think if you are not in the situation yourself no one can understand the accony of us only trying to live our own lives and often the people closest to us sucking the life out of us. As a group of individuals who are taking over the leadership roles that our parents once held, we have to start problem solving this right now. Offer to help in ways that don't involve money so you can show your support without adding money to the mix. I had to unlearn a lot of lessons when I started managing my own money after college! every bit of it is true. Conversely, almost all children who do not feel this desire have very good reasons. Each case is individual. Im looking at supporting my 60 year old father because he chose women and drugs, rather than working for a living. Tell my children no so I can instead clean up their grandparents mess? Its really, really hard to experience and deal with. Thanks to several weeks of seeing occupational health nurses, doctors, behavioral counsellors and shrinks, I now have the means to turn my life around. But like those are words. Im VERY financially independent, thanks to them I had to be. They are the ones who created the mess and are leaving and dont mind doing so to their children, grandchildren, and possibly their great grandchildren to foot the bill. It was a one-off transaction that he was thankful for and says he felt guilty about for years to come. Were saving for our future to not burden them. i am not gonna be trying to help her out when i still need to set up college savings for my daughter and retirement for me and my husband. I have had my say. i think thats where the resentment is coming from our rage should be directed at the financial elite who have overseen the destruction and mismanagement of an economy that is broken leading to a bleak future the pitch forks are well overdue. And she is angry that my brother wont hive Her more money. On the other hand if you are a regular middle class joe trying to save for your own retirement or your kids college it is a totally different situation, which most of these laws take into consideration. Actions have consequences, and I feel bad and upset. Despite making a decent livable wage, they continue to live paycheck to paycheck. Its not pertinent to the discussion. She may have to go into a government program. To put it bluntly my father left my mother there for a week while he stayed out in hotels and finally got his own apartment then came back to tell me from day 1 he could feel the evil in my house and he would never speak to me or my family again. There is another child, but hes even less fiscally responsible than the parents. She still hasnt gotten rid of it and we come back to less than 250.00 saved. My parents might as well be the fing children. What do you all think about this? She easily ran through the money my father had both left to her and saved for them within a year. Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 86,869 times. We are self-sufficient, saving for retirement, and working on paying off debt. Sometimes you feel all alone, and wrong for not wanting to help, but I have to take care of myself and my household. My sister is always complaining to me about her money issues. I couldnt have done it without you. Probably not. Its wonderful that your parents did that for you. But in any case I dont think the state should force you to pay for them period. Its making me ill. I have lived on my own since 18 with pretty much no help from them financially. He ended up without a job my husband took pitty on him offered him a job in our compnay, he never took responsibily, made stupid mistakes, acted like a fool in front of our clients, really did stupid things. Ill need a plan B for this, so that when the time comes, at least Im prepared. The key to a good marriage is good communication, and there are few issues that rely on good communication more than money issues. I hate giving people money, its normally the first thing they ask for and the last thing they need. My boyfriend is 27. Fortunatly for them this happening is nearly impossible/Unlikley. When he was complaining that he couldn't pay his bills, I offered to go over his budget with him and that shut him up for a while. Minimum: $5,000 (Include store cards and gas cards). If theyre smart about things they can live pretty close to just that and only need a tiny little amount to get by (the odd $50 here and there) instead of what it sounds like fairly substantial amounts of money theyre asking of you. If you had spent it foolishly, you wouldnt have that money. This is an incredibly emotional topic, and as such it is difficult to think in the abstract about what you would do. The bankruptcy would have been worth it if she were actually thriving now as a result of it, but shes in worse shape now than she was 11 years ago when she regressed to a teenaged entitled mindset and just stoppped working. Dont let yourself get this bad. My parents moved in with me and instantly became a financial drain. I dont feel bad. as they have demonstrated they are all about themselves since I was old enough to be a front row witness to their bitter divorce and subsequent selfishness. Any positive feelings I may ever have had keep losing to the idea that I realize now that I did fully fund a retirement, but its hers, not mine. We bailed him out. I have hit a point with this by stating I will offer my parents the same deal they offered me. Past behavior is not always an indicator of future results, but smart estate planning considers all the available information. Then, sit down with her and walk through her finances. It tears me apart that, at this time, I am unable to toss good money after bad. And now Im apparently legally obligated to support them? Ive now figured out why they didnt consider that. Just like they were. A parent that abandons their child should not expect or deserve any feelings of obligation from that child later in life. You can make this call on your own behalf or on behalf of someone you suspect is being abused. My name is Kim and I wrote one of the first posts in here and had mixed comments. DO NOT become responsible for someone if you do not know how youre going to regain your independence. The second son went jail for unpaid speeding tickets. PLUS learning about these LAWS that mandate filial responsibility sucks. I also strongly urge setting aside funds to help out indigent parents/family members in emergencies. Shed taken out the loan right out of college when her own father refused to co-sign with her, and she hadnt understood the loan terms. Where can I find the laws about debt passing to the children? If youre going to open your wallet and hand over money, do it as a gift, not as a loan. I ask myself in the mirror this question everyday. If and when things go south, these individuals will seek the financial support of those in their family. I do feel it is my duty to care for them, but it not my duty to give them any lifestyle they desire. You have to take care of your family first. I think this is going to be a major problem for Generation X/Y to deal with. the first part of your statement negates the second part of your statement. I see people my age and to think about where they might be without the financial assistance of mommy and daddy and it would would be pretty sad. Whether youre trying to help a family member get back on track financially or address some of your own spending, saving, and budgeting issues, the friendly advisors at American Credit Foundation are always happy to help. Im glad that you have a great mom who helped you. The vast majority of my close friends simply invite each other over for social things. Im only 51. My parents act like they never will get sick and like they never will have a need. Some of those. she just needs to quit being lazy and pick whatever job someone gives her (just like she told me that walmart was gonna hire her but i guess in my opinion she is too good for them). My mother was the one who worked and supported the family, but both she and my father like their expensive toys and vacations and keeping up with the Joneses. However, your mother did give you one thing: YOUR LIFE. One theme I see a lot is that if parents are fiscally responsible and do their best to prepare for their retirement, the kids tend to be willing to help them if they run into unexpected and extreme financial difficulties. Thats not allI have lived with them in 2 other locations in the past year, giving them money because of the expensive things they choose to finance. Parents act like they are entitled to things that they didnt completely earn (My mother used to tell, You get out of things what you put into them), children are following right behind them, and politics is encouraging the selfishness in the people and companies. But for those of us constantly being asked for money by a parent who is 67, tens of thousands in debt, and who has facilitated one of my three siblings financial neglect, this is our reality. I learned how to ski by doing a whole lot of falling down. If you suspect financial abuse, call the the Adult Protective Services Hotline at 1-800-677-1116. My dad told me last week they are upside down on their mortgage and have only $12,000 left in their retirement savings. and from what I understand by reading this, the only people accusing anyone else of wrong doing is your generation as that is all you have done in this entire article. For example, would you foot the bill to house your parents while they were still capable earning money if it meant that you wouldnt be able to save for your childs education and your own retirement? If its for an emergency, have a real discussion about how similar situations can be managed in the future, perhaps by building an emergency fund for unexpected expenses. As a CPA, I have attempted to help them over and over. They are 42 and443. Another strategy is to choose social events for yourself that are low-cost and try to meet people there. We were told growing up that we are to give her money when we stat working. When I mention about looking for a job, world war 3 breaks out. They both work a paper route, my dad works an additional 2 jobs, and my mom works at a grocery store. It pisses me off to hear or see their irresponsible spending every time I make contact with them. My wife and I have a 23,25 year old young men. Ugh this is such a hard one. My brother leased them a car when their car finally conked out. It is not fair to ask me to support my father when I have a family, one child in college and the other preparing to graduate high school. It scares the family, but hardly anyone wants to talk openly with them. Theyve been good parents, but I dont see anyway I could even help them. Few people escape the dreaded task of having to deal with difficult family members. Weve tried talking about finances and planning for retirement, but got nowhere. I cant imagine walking into their home and telling them they need to shape up. My parents made no apologies. And not only that, THEY WERE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS working at minimum wage jobs the whole time!! I have never asked them for money because i felt bad i was always clothed bad for school and never had money when i was small they should be ashamed of themselves of making me go thru that i remember one year i went a whole semester wearing only 3 shirts that costed 10 dollars for all three that was pretty fuked up on their part. I will say that not all Boomers are apart of the mess, but a significant portion are. You can love her without enabling her. My mother, on the other hand, is receiving a lot of in home care (most paid by Medicare) at this point and I am glad my siblings are able to help her economically. I spent everything I had on plane tickets and hostels for my first month, pretty much going through hell and working menial fast food jobs, anything to just get started here. So do i have to go over there and take away her check book? They view it as a rejection and an ungrateful reaction from me. We graduated with many years of debt, but overtime everything worked out fine. she tearing my family apart let alone leaving us bigger and bigger in debt. I am not financially stables myself, I keep putting my bills on hold, & my priorities so she can have a home to live & groceries, but I am tired of dealing with this. My father has managed to hoard his wealth to the extent that it is likely that he can pay for care in his old age, but not for sure. Im able to forget about the situation while Im here, but anytime I talk to my parents I hear news that just makes me feel absolutely helpless and in despair. What do you do? Even though my fathers parents were super responsible and never took a penny from any of their children, my father thought nothing of quitting a perfectly good job and retiring in his 50s (although he has been perfectly capable of working). If theyre willing to get help theres hope for their circumstances to improve. youd have to be frickin nuts. You cant fix his problem right now, its too big. I would be heart broken if my kids neglect me when I need help regardless. Of course most people would help their parents if they needed help as long as they have not purposely blown their savings. They gave me everything they could when I was growing up so I could have things they didnt and they gave me a great education. Because its the right thing. So she could get on her feet, get back out into the work force, and save money for herself for a new apartment, utilities, cost of living. This devastates me as the oldest of three kids with parents who has rarely if ever taken care of their own business (thank God my father had a mother who lived to 86, and a month after she passed he had to move in with me!) I long to have my own life back and not be depended on by 2 aging people who clearly cant look after themselves but always knew how to have fun. Dont simply open your wallet on the spur of the moment unless that money is coming from the flexible spending part of your budget. Ill so be happy just to set myself up with a little more home privacy and financial stability, and wow, to be self employed is such a dream for me. I was lucky back in the early 80s in two ways first, that I saw the problem early enough to start preparing mentally and financially for it and second that I got established in a career that allowed me to make a good living and save both for me and my mom but it was a long couple decades of worry and stress to get here. Children have a right to expect sound upbringing, good parents, and respect. I moved to a new country to make a fresh start for myself, my old one just didnt have any promising future or way up the ladder for me, so I moved. However, if the parents should fail, they must suffer their consequences like every other human being. Addressing financial irresponsibility, whether it involves an adult child or a family member, means taking a stance that is both fair and well grounded. The older son worked seven years and paid nothing. Neither saved anything really, didnt pay for my college, wedding, nothing. And they are ultimately responsible for their own actions. Why in Gods name should she use HER money to support that woman? Either she starves now or you starve later. Here are some things that have happened over the years: -Getting several months behind on rent and the landlord calling us to make sure everything is ok -Getting evicted -Unable to open credit cards -Using shady car dealers and loans -Has had to stay with us between eviction and . In April of this year she turns 60. I could have saved enough for a deposit on a house by now but that money is always needed for something and with the way things are going I never will save enough. And she wasnt hoodwinked, she just purchased some things as investments that were incredibly poorly thought out, living in an imaginary world where she could afford the risk. Is she going to change? Once youre able to sit down and discuss the issue in a healthy fashion, the thing to realize is that this isnt an issue of right or wrong, but differing values. And Ive done well. Part of the problem is that people dont know what they spend. I will have none of that entitlement thing. We will seek some professional financial advice so that we and my siblings can make sure our parents have what they need and minimize the financial burden to us while theyre still with us and after theyre gone. He addicted to gambling, so every dollar he has he borrows a car and takes off for 1-2 days at a time and comes back broke. Un-follow them on social media. She is, and has always been, a financial disaster. Law or no law. (plus two other college bound kids) Im stressed! Still, it places a real financial burden on the children as they have to deal with the financial demands of their parents while still keeping their own financial ship afloat. Connectivity is what helps us all live life a bit more easily. They said that I didnt need this money, and that they would provide for me when I needed money. I feel absolutely screwed by them. In fact, that should be down the list of steps you take when confronted with a request for financial assistance. What you can do about it: Dont reward or encourage their excessive spending. Since November 2018 now WE (my hubs and I) have been supporting every want, need, and desire!! Its hard though because theyre your parents. To keep a long story short, until I addressed this with him, he was just handing over whatever they asked for without question and Im not talking about chump change. Needless to say, he does no chores and has an attitude and says later (which never comes) if I ask him to help clean the house. He has a nice home and tons of money. #shouldve been a more responsible, dedicated, heartfelt, honest, invested parent if you expected me to invest and engage in you in your senior years! If your comment is directed to Kim..its not even her mother, its her mother in law. Her only great grandbaby and well, dads gone and could have met the little baby. The family home was to be sold after 12 months. Mom wont work and dad is reluctant but still does. He has won a dozen national writing awards and his work has appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post, Sports Illustrated and People Magazine. Wherever I moved they always showd up said they are coming for coffee en then my husband and I have to move to get rid of them. An advisor can help you develop a budget and a plan to pay down any debts that need attention. This hits close to home today regarding my parents in law. It was part luck getting here, but Ill be damned if I didnt work my butt off as well (and continue to do so). We went on expensive family holidays, my parents always paid for everyone whenever there was an occasion that we were eating at a restaurant etc., they entertained a lot. But he refuses to do so. Its helped me tremendously to read about other peoples situations. I believe in honoring our parents, but watching her self destruct, and allowing her to take your family with her on the journey is not honoring. He did have problems in the space, but he should have placed his money in an escrow account until those problems got resolved. In a recent CareerBuilder survey, some 78 percent of Americans reported living paycheck to paycheck.